The Weight of Knowing

 “You cannot give what you do not have.”

A quote that our teacher in our major subject always says.

Studying a program that’s in the helping profession means working on yourself every day. It’s like battling between what’s right and what’s hypocrisy at the same time. Honestly, every day is a struggle, learning all these things is one thing, but applying them to myself is another.

As humans, we are born with the capacity to do both good and evil. We may be kind, yet we carry selfishness. We choose to live a happy life, but sometimes anger still finds its place within us. Studying the psychology behind it all, trying to understand these things while working on myself, feels so deep; it’s a lifetime process. A cycle, forever's not enough...

Today, I’m struggling to let go of the grudge buried deep within me. I feel hypocritical because I thought experience had molded me, that helping myself was enough to heal me, but it wasn’t. I thought the angry girl inside me had vanished, but she’s still there, quietly existing. I cannot give kindness if it’s drowning deep inside me. It feels so heavy; carrying the burden of knowing what’s right, yet being held prisoner by resentment.

I hope this, too, shall pass. I hope I can let go of the things that weigh me down. I hope I can forgive people and release them from my wrath — and forgive myself for the things I shouldn’t have done. So that I can give grace to myself… and then, to others.